Weddings, weddings, weddings. For the last few months we’ve had wedding after wedding and if we’re not attending weddings then every time I go on Facebook I can see lots of other people have been. It’s wedding season, and we are in our 30’s, an age when most people seem to get married.
Don’t get me wrong, I love going to weddings and I have loved being there to celebrate some of my closest friends getting married this year. I get emotional witnessing the love between two people and I totally understand why they want to share that with the people that are closest to them, I do ‘get’ weddings, it’s just that the more I go to, the more I am convinced that I don’t actually want one myself.
It’s funny because I thought it was something I did want, anyone who knows me in real life or has followed me over on my older blog (www.alongcamecherry.co.uk) will know that I was desperate for Matt to propose, but looking back it was never because I wanted a wedding, just because it made me feel insecure to know that he was so against the idea of marrying me. Once he had finally proposed it was like something had changed, it took him 13 years to do it and I knew he wouldn’t have done it unless he was actually willing to marry me. It made me feel sure that he was fully committed to our relationship.
I wish I could have been confident enough in our relationship to have not needed it but Matt and I had actually split up (because he didn’t want to have kids!!) just before I’d fallen pregnant with Cherry so I always felt like he was only back with me because he was stuck and not because he really wanted to be. We had reached rock bottom in our relationship when Tiger was a baby and to be honest we almost gave up completely but instead we both decided to work really hard at it and as a result turned it around and made it better than it had ever been. The proposal was just confirmation of that, to me it was a sign that he was actually happy with me. He probably wishes he had done it sooner given that it stopped me constantly bringing it up and getting in a mood about it, he’s actually heard less about getting married since we got engaged than beforehand!
When it came to planning an actual wedding though we just never did, obviously it’s the first thing people ask you so we briefly talked about doing it somewhere abroad on impulse but that was about as far as it got. We both knew that we never wanted a traditional wedding, first dances and speeches just aren’t our thing and to be honest when it comes to saving money, a wedding just isn’t something that I would feel like saving towards. Tattoos, yes. A trip to America, yes. A wedding, no chance.
So yesterday after seeing some more wedding photos on FB it suddenly hit me, do I really want to go down the same route as so many other people? I usually hate following the crowd, I love to rebel and go against the norm so why was I so desperate for this? Then it suddenly hit me, I DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED ANYMORE! I’m so happy with Matt and our relationship and I know that he is happy with me, well apart from when I’m pre-menstrual but luckily that always seems to end just before he runs for the hills. I don’t need it as confirmation that we have a good relationship anymore, I’m not saying that’s why other people do it but that was the main reason I wanted to do it.
Before this realisation another big reason for wanting to get married was for the children, both of our parents are divorced and I wanted to prove to them that marriages can last but instead what I’ve realised is that I would rather teach them that not being married can be totally awesome too.
I always used to think there was something sad about unmarried couples, that they just didn’t want to commit, or that one of them wasn’t that happy in the relationship. I guess it was how I viewed my own unmarried status at the time so I just assumed it was the same for everyone. Now I can see how wrong I was, I totally get why people would agree never to get married.
Maybe they don’t ever want to have a serious conversation with someone about flower arrangements (no offence to anyone who has ever spoken to me about flower arrangements 😉 ), maybe they don’t want to pay out hundreds of pounds for those flowers, maybe they don’t want to walk in the footsteps of hundreds of other people, maybe they just don’t see the point in it…
I went running into the kitchen to share all these thoughts with Matt who replied with ‘that’s what I’ve always said’. So just like that our engagement was off.
We are just going to make up our own rules from now on so I’m going to refer to him as my husband because who the hell can tell me I can’t?! That was up there with my other ridiculous reasons for wanting to get married!! I am also going to start using the title ‘Mrs’ which is totally allowed despite not being married, it says so here. You are also allowed to change your surname to match your partner’s via deed poll which I’m going to do so I think. I am planning to get a tattoo on my wedding finger too.
So basically I will be getting everything I wanted from a wedding just without actually having one. Win, win!
I can’t be too anti-marriage because at the end of the day I don’t know if I would have reached this place had Matt not proposed, I like to think I would have but every time he would tell me it was ‘just a piece of paper’ all I heard was ‘I don’t want to marry YOU’. I also know that when I wrote a blog post about it I had emails from women for years telling me they felt exactly the same way. I think the only way this can work is if you both feel exactly the same about it, maybe sometimes the proposal is needed… at the end of the day if it is just a case of not believing there is a point then what’s so wrong in just doing it?
Maybe sometimes marriage needs to be on the table before you can decide that you want it thrown off the table altogether.
I’ve opened up the comments section on here and would love to hear your thoughts. Would you be happy with the idea of never getting married? Are you happily unmarried? Do you wish you hadn’t got married?
I still love the fact Matt made me this ring, I will keep it forever of a reminder of the time we thought we wanted to get married. It will make a great story to tell the kids one day!